Even when you have good intentions for the conversation, the other person may feel that you don’t. Safety can often break down in a conversation due to simple misunderstandings. You need to continue to watch for and build safety throughout the conversation. Sharing your good intent up front lays the foundation for a safe conversation, but it doesn’t guarantee it. It’s not your message that erodes safety and creates defensiveness it’s their perception of your intent. People don’t become defensive because of what you’re saying they become defensive because of why they think you’re saying it. It’s easy to look at a defensive reaction as evidence that someone can’t take the truth, but we know that’s not true. Such as, “Are you implying that I’m not doing enough?” or “Hey, you don’t meet your deadlines either.” Or they may not even feel like expressing their take at all and just shrug it off. Dealing with DefensivenessĪfter you’ve presented your case regarding an issue you’d like to discuss, you sometimes may hear the other party respond with a defensive phrase. When both of these come together then people feel safe enough to hear you they feel safe enough to dialogue. In order for people to feel safe with you, they need to know two things about your intent. Do you mean them harm? Are you out to get them? Your job is to generate evidence that you aren’t. When people feel threatened, they move to silence or verbal violence, flight or fight, neither of which are great for problem-solving.Īll you need to do to destroy safety in a Crucial Conversation is nothing.ĭuring the first tense seconds of the beginning of a conversation, others are scanning your every facial tick or leg crossing for evidence of your intentions. Remember, human beings are wired to look for threats. Make it your goal when faced with a Crucial Conversation to create safety. So how do you make it safe? Let’s explore how you can create a safe environment, so you can talk with almost anyone about almost anything. But if you can create a sense of safety, you can prevent clam-ups and blow-ups and keep the dialogue open. It’s the age-old case of fight or flight. This is why we often resort to silence or verbal violence when faced with a Crucial Conversation. When stakes are high, emotions run strong, and opinions vary, we often feel threatened. And when conversations turn crucial, a sense of safety is the first thing to go. If people don’t feel safe to engage in dialogue, they won’t.
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